i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
