you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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