I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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