Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
