just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
All the doctor said was why
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
