I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
