I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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