You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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