I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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