I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She's the barista slut.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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