If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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