Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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