Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
