Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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