You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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