girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
