The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
