between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
