Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
