Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
