i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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