My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
