mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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