He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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