I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
