I feel like I'm in dance class right now
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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