why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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