If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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