Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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