I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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