Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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