Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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