i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
