First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
