just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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