no, he came in my armpit
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
