hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
