community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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