The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
