I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize