I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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