i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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