I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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