when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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