My friends, they love my intelligence
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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