Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
