I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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