How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
