I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
