please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
