just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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