My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
