I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
