There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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