apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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