my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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