She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
