My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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