Please, let me fuck your mom
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
