Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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