she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
