So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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