I will die if light touches me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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