Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
