I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
