Your mouth is God's brothel.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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