If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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